as you probably have guessed, diving gives me a clear head and stops me having the issues with the mental health that stop me doing so much.
Frankly i enjoy writing my blog when its about the good things it is doing for me and helping me live a (somewhat) normal life.
The truth is, the trip was a mixed bag for me due to one person (who i wont name). the person was inconsiderate and caused me to have an anxiety attack, lack of sleep and nightmares and night terrors (something i have not had since starting diving).
i have felt myself going through the mill with my brain, fatigue, memory issues and feeling down. Every day i put on my “brave face” and get on with the day, id hit the water and it would go away.
The “person” had had a go at me because i wanted to go to the hotel and he wanted another beer, even though i had sat there waiting whilst he had 4. he didnt react well and i felt like he was going to strike out.
Since the accident i have a fear of being attacked or in confrontation. it is usually unrealistic, like walking down the street and ill just keep thinking someone is going to sneak up and beat me up. so the confrontation like that in the car sent my head west and my heart pumping from my chest.
The week continued and the problem was there was a number of occurances in, and out of the water, where the “person” did things that made me nervous and on edge. This was magnified when he drank, as he got aggressive and
just as an example that its confrontations that cause it, we had a situation with one of the divers in our group lost their weights, there was no thoughts i just reacted, and (to blow my own trumpet) i handled it well! there was no anxity, no worry we just sorted it.
As the week progressed, his conduct got worse and his sorries meant less, his excuses lost merit. By the time it came to the last evening i had had enough of both and had started distancing myself (whilst still being civil).
you cant dive for 24 hours before flying so we had planned to chill out on the boat, pack cases and go for a meal in the evening. i was looking forward to it, having a beer and a meal with new divecrew friends and the deptherepy patrons, it was something that isnt the norm for me anymore because i tend to not like the mass of conversation.
once again my game face was put on, we left the boat and within about 3 mins the “person” had made my dive buddy not want to go anymore, and he didnt, my buddy insisted i still had to go…so i did.
i went into the resteraunt with everyone, the person went outside when i went to use my cig, started giving me the same questions as my buddy. i told him 3 times that i didnt want to talk about it. he said “are you going to throw a strop like steve did”, thats the point where i walked off.
i went back to the boat after the meal whilst the “person” went out on the lash. i got into bed and found myself tossing and turning thinking , the “person” is going to come back pissed, come in my room whilst im asleep and deck me (beat me up). it was horrible. i lay there having an anxiety attack (probably the 3rd one since the accident).
eventually i calmed down enough that i got the key out of the door and locked my self and steve in our room, im glad i did too. at about 4/5 am (i had fell asleep and had a nightmare about the exact same thing so was sat on my phone), the door handle started going like someone was trying to get in, i checked to my left and steve was asleep so it wasnt him and no one else would have any reason to come to our door at that time.
needless to say, if it wasnt for the support and the ability to open with the deptherepy master instructors martin and richard, along with chris and steve and the other people i spoke with, that would have been a horrible week and would have probably put my mental health back at least 12 months.
im now back home, im not feeling great and i wanted to use my blog for the same reason that i did before i was introduced to diving. to vent and get it off my chest.
the other people on that boat kept my head above water (no pun intended) and stopped me from going into my shell and locking myself away, so thank you to everyone.
hopefully the next post will be a better one.